he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
