I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
