My first STD was from a foam party
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
