There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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