Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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