God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
