I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
