I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
