Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
