In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
