im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
