Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
