there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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