my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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