Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
