I wish I could teleport
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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