My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
