would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
