Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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