So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
