OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
