honey bunches of taint.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
