Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Is it penis luge time yet?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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