I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
