if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i need some magic done to my vagina
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
