So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
