Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
