____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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