You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
