my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
