every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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