stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
