then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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