Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
