a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
