anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
