At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
