I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
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