I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
