Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
