apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
