I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
