Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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