I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
