Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
