he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I would fuck him just for his dog
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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