I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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