i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
