I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
