I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
